Hot New WhatTheCrap Mobile


It’s just like that, minus the fog lights.

Features the new WhatTheCrap Mobile is missing:

  • Vehicle was not purchased from shady Norwegian shyster.
  • Vehicle does not have non matching parts, such as doors that don’t quite shut correctly – giving it the suspicious feeling it had been in a wreck and then fixed up.
  • Keys for vehicle at time of purchase are not copies of copies that sort of work if you jiggle them just right nor are they sharp enough on the tip to tear a whole through the outside of your pants from within your pocket.
  • Vehicle does not have “automatic raising antenna” that does not automatically raise.
  • Doors are not missing automatic lock cylinders for no apparent reason.
  • Passenger door is not mysteriously the only door that you must “hold the handle” when shutting it to lock.
  • Seat-belts do not stay extended and dangle down into the way of the door as it is shut.
  • Rear windows do not “pop out” at the top when front doors are shut.
  • Rear Hatch does not require extra hard push upwards to open, as if load of bricks were on top of it.
  • Buttocks does not become drenched because moon-roof leaks water onto seats which still appear dry when you first sit on them so you don’t notice until too late.
  • Windows do not rattle and wobble when they are not fully raised because they are designed without surrounding frame.
  • Driver Door lock has not fallen into the door randomly, forcing you to unlock it from the passenger side.
  • Front left quarter-panel is not smashed in because Salem Sucks™.
  • Climate control lights in the dash are not burned out requiring the “surprise climate button smash game.”
  • Gear Mode indicator lights are not burned out causing the “surprise, you’re in reverse – game.”
  • Car interior does not reek like dog show outhouse when the humidity outside changes.
  • Rear trunk carpet does not continuously let out a yellow-brown colored liquid when blasted with a hose for 20 minutes.
  • Is not missing a carpet in the back after it was trashed in frustration because it reeked of dog show outhouse even after being hosed and scrubbed to death numerous times.
  • Odometer mileage has not been rolled back 40,000 miles by previous owners who deserve to be impaled.
  • Wind does not whistle in window cracks like a witch being boiled alive when driven at any speed above 10 miles per hour.
  • Bolt on the end of the crank-shaft has not been replaced with an incorrect one, thus stripping the crank-shaft threads, thus ruining the shaft, thus requiring a new engine be purchased.
  • Check engine light does not come on, nor does continually flash at you like someone repeatedly thrusting their upraised middle finger in your face whilst kicking you in the crotch.
  • Frigid air does not leak through the car, frosting over anyone in the passenger seat even though they may be wrapped in a sleeping bag.
  • Headlights are not about half as bright as the passenger and driver pointing mini mag-lights onto the road ahead.
  • CD player does not require the use of pliers to remove CD after disc has played for more than 15 minutes.
  • Smoke, and the smell of burning tires, does not accompany parking the car after a weeny-roaster 10-12 mile drive across, say, Portland, Oregon.
  • Vehicle is not a hunk of swine crap lemon.

Exit Question: How much would you guess I got for the White Whale Subaru as a trade in?
(If you already know, don’t give it away…)

13 Responses to “Hot New WhatTheCrap Mobile”

  1. whatthecrap? Says:

    Bonus: New car sales people do not have to ask “how to get in” at trade-in because the driver door lock has fallen inside the door.

  2. Tim Says:


  3. whatthecrap? Says:

    Matt – closest guess so far…

  4. Dennis Says:

    If you drive a Mazda you deserve to be pooped on.

    oh wait………….

  5. whatthecrap? Says:

    Dennis is gettin’ hot…

  6. Dennis Says:

    Do I win prize for being the closest?

    Are going get some of those fake plastic spinners for your new car?

  7. whatthecrap? Says:

    I’ll give you a ride sometime.
    Maybe from my place to your place…

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